We’d post a spoiler warning, but you can’t spoil HISTORY, people. The people who didn’t know Titanic was based off of a real-life event would disagree with you. I was more referring to this being a re-telling of Abraham Lincoln’s historically-accurate battles with vampires, but that’s a valid point too…
So, should people go see this, Diana? Yes. All kinds of yes. It’s improper historical cinematic greatness at its best. Wait, it’s not all factual? Shh! You’re ruining the magic!
Why should they see it? Well, allow us to gush, fair readers.
How awesome is it that Abe (with no recognizable supernatural powers) chopped a tree in half with an axe and RAGE? And it never happens again. Like, he kills vampires angrily with his axe, but he’s never quite as powerful as when he rips a tree in half. Vampire hunter downgrade? Maybe Vampires are just denser, along with their other “only appearing in this film” superpowers like invisibility and being totally chill in sunlight with sunglasses and two globs of sunscreen. Look, they did NOT mess around with complexion in those days. That wasn’t even vaguely the point I was trying to make, but I accept your logic.
Abe has a horse THROWN at him, he catches it, mounts it, and proceed to continue attempting to kill vampires. Absolutely the greatest moment of that movie. Seconded. Also, that guy who plays the villain in every movie was just demolishing scenery as guy who killed Mom-braham Lincoln (That was her name, right? Right.). Yes – it’s in the history books. Mom-braham Lincoln birthed Abraham Lincoln, son of Dad-braham Lincoln.
The visual effects were incredible. The fork fired from a musket with “AL” engraved on it? GENIUS. Well, not genius, but really cool. The sword-necklace of death is a close-second “badass things fired out of a musket” moment of the movie. This is pretty cool. I was going to list that first, but I feel like it’s a wishy-washy woman revenge moment and wouldn’t have been as cool-sounding if I had mentioned it.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (my future wife) brought as much badass as her bustier could carry. Totes believable wife for Abraham Lincoln: Professional Badass. I really liked how they didn’t make her this meek little flower. She WAS a bad-ass, but a properly 1800’s-themed lady bad-ass. Have you seen Scott Pilgrim? Cause Winstead was like Civil War-era Ramona without the bitchiness in this one.
Also, Ben Walker looks a LOT like Liam Neeson in some of the later Lincoln shots. Good aging make-up all around. Speaking of which:
Can we also talk about the rotating-camera “it’s been thirty years” Old Abe walking out of the shadows BAMF shot? AMAZING. I’m glad they had it in the trailer and made it look even more awesome in the movie. Also, I laaaaughed when he started spinning his axe again and dropped it. Ha. Agreed. I love that they included that moment, but then he was IMMEDIATELY awesome again. But he wasn’t PERFECT right away. For a movie this absurd, that’s about as close to having to “get back up on the horse” as it’s going to get. Speaking of horses, HE HAD A HORSE THROWN AT HIM.
In the last scene, when Sturgess approaches a man in a diner/bar in modern times – can we just agree that it was Obama and now Barack-raham (because he’s presidentially descended from Lincoln or something) hunts vampires in the twilight hours of Washington D.C. in between running the country? I IMMEDIATELY assumed it was Obama. I’d watch the hell out of that movie. ONLY IF IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY. Actually, documentaries don’t have as many visual effects. I would accept an “inspired by” movie as well. No. Wait. It would have to be, wait for it, a BARACK-UMENTARY.
Please kill me.
Professional Badass Vampire Hunter is in theaters RIGHT NOW. See it. SEE IT OR YOU HATE AMERICA!!!